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13 September 2012 @ 07:14 pm
Two years is a long time to keep silent.  
For the last two years, I have been beating myself up about things I could have done differently; things I should have done differently, and things I failed to do differently. I never once stopped to reflect on this issue. I only ever told myself how wrong I was for letting things escalate as far as they did. I was hurting. I was always hurting. To this day, I still believe if I had done just one thing differently, everything would have ended differently.

On this day, two years ago, what could be called an emotional war broke out. I was happy before that day, nothing was wrong in my life, but once the first event happened, there was not another happy day. For the next few months, I was in the lowest emotional state I had ever been in. I was not happy, no matter how much I tried to hide it. I had gained a fair amount of blind support. They were people who had not the slightest idea what was causing me so much grief, yet still supported myself in my search for a solution. No one ever asked, therefore I never told. I had one friend, whom I love very dearly, learn bits and pieces of what was going on, but I never wanted her involved in it, so I kept what she knew minimal.

Months passed, and I was still in a state of distraught. I was still silent about what was happening, but was slowly learning others were being told by the other party that I was the enemy, doing everything wrong with evil intent. They were turning on me with the same blindness they had once used to support me. I was being attacked by people who did not want a piece of my side of the story, so I still stayed silent.

On Christmas Eve of 2010, I was approached by someone I had met only two days before everything started going wrong. I assumed he had no idea what was going on, but he simply asked me "Can you tell what's going on?".

For the first time, someone actually wanted to know my side. Someone wanted to know how I felt. Someone actually didn't turn a blind eye, simply because I was keeping quiet.

So I explained a lot, keeping a few things secret, but as we spoke more, everything ended up coming out. Someone finally understood why I had grown to hate the person turning people blindly against me.

I wasn't aware having someone on my side was seen as such a bad thing. People turned against him, too, simply because he was mentoring me through my ordeal. I was still dwelling over everything that was happening, and the hatred inside me continued to grow. I ended everything in the "war", with the guidance of the one person who was aware of the amplifying hatred I was locking away.

A few more things happened that I feel no remorse about for happening, as I feel those events were destined to happen and I honestly had no control over what happened then. Unfortunately, this caused myself to be attacked even more, not just because of what had just taken place, but because of what happened between myself and the person my emotional war had started with.

I hold a lot of anger towards the people who attacked me during that time, despite some of them apologising. I refuse to explain to them what honestly, in my view, happened, should they ever ask, simply because they attacked me without ever knowing. I once almost posted my entire story on Facebook, almost tagging every single mutual friend I had with the person, just to get my story out, but I went against that rash decision. Some people don't deserve to know.

I did have some people say to me they didn't care what happened, they would still be my friend. I have no idea if they actually know anything, and it has taken me a long time to actually warm up to these people and trust them. My ability to trust was broken over the course of what happened, and it still hasn't fully been repaired.

To this day, Nathan is still the only person who knows the entire story. He is the only person who knows why I hold so much hatred towards the events that took place between September 2010 and February 2011. A few people know one huge thing that really impacted my judgement on the situation, but they still don't know everything. A few more know major points explained in detail, but that's still not everything.

If I were to summarise everything that happened, I would only say I'm still angry.

I'm angry I was turned into the villain.

I'm angry I was attacked by people blinded by their inability to realise there are two sides to every story.

I'm angry I lost friends I considered to be very close to me, simply because of lies that were told about me.

I'm angry I let those lies continue to spread.

I'm angry I kept to the oath of silence I took with the person who broke theirs.

I'm angry I stopped Nathan from physically hurting him.

I'm angry I never physically hurt him.

I'm angry because I did nothing.

I literally did nothing to stop it all from happening.

I hate myself because of what I let happen.

At a point where I was finally able to accept myself for who I was, all this happened and broke me to a point where I considered ending my life, simply to get away from it all. I had my HSC to deal with, and to make matters worse, I had an emotionally unstable, attention hogging, people using pig bugging me from the moment I woke up, to the moment I fell asleep. Sometimes, even while I slept, he was annoying me, waking me up to pass on utterly useless information that could have just as easily have waited until I had woken up the next morning.

Death is not an answer. Dealing with it head on is one answer. There are other answers, but I was unable to find the right one until Nathan came along. Nothing should ever be taken on alone, I have learned that through the ordeal I dealt with.

I always believed neither of us were the victims, but looking back now, I was picked out from a large group of people, and basically friended by one person until I was the age of 18, then I was basically preyed upon. I know there were things I did wrong, but I also know everything I did was a reaction to things done to me first.

To have Nathan come into my life with his only intention being to help me get through everything was something of a Godsend. Honestly, there were very few people who realised at one point in our friendship, we really needed each other, and because of that time, we grew closer. I have been slandered a lot for what happened between us, but if I were to put it in a sentence, I had no control over the events that took place before our getting together.

I have no words to describe how supportive he has been of me, and I feel I owe him more than the value of my life. I dote over him so much because I want the world to see, Nathan is not a bad person. He is the nicest person I know, and has complete control over his temper. He only scolds people when they need scolding, yet he, too, has been slandered for this. I stand up for him, just as he stands up for me. He strongly believes every action has a consequence on everyone around you, and if it's a bad action, punishment should be had. He has a strong sense of justice and isn't afraid to use it on me. He comforts me when I cry, and talks to me until I calm down. He listens to my selfish little clingy demands. For him to have spent the last seventeen months in my life as my partner, to put up with my idiocy, to help me through the death of my dog, to bring my puppies home for me, to give me my dream of going back to Japan, and to help me learn to trust again, and gain many friends in the process, I don't feel I deserve any of it.

Mainly because of how I was used by one person and how a lot of people's attacks made me feel like I wasn't worthy of anything.

These last two years started with hell, but it is highly outweighed by the happiness I have.

I'm going to continue with my head high.

Because I know I came out better at the end of it all.