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08 January 2014 @ 11:26 am
2013.  

2013. The first year I started in another country. The year I swore everything would change for me. I would get a job, get my licence, make everyone proud of me for finally being able to pick myself up after two years of going no where.

I ended up spiralling into this god awful anxious depression where nothing went right for me.

While the year started pretty cool, we saw a faint silhouette of Mount Fuji on New Year's Day from the top of Roppongi Hills on the clearest day we had while in Japan, it didn't take long for 2013 to suck.

I don't actually know of many people who enjoyed 2013. It seemed to just be a year no one liked.

January was the start of me realising my whole life was nothing but being pushed into things I hated doing, failing at doing those things I hate doing, then getting yelled at because I did something I hated doing and didn't do it well. While a lot of these situations could have been easily solved if I'd stood up for myself, it's not something I'm good at, and it's not something I've ever been fond of doing because a lot of people have started a riot against me when I've finally taken my own stand. When I finally stood up for myself this year, I was told I was being selfish. I wasn't appreciating the hard work everyone was doing for me. Just because it wasn't what I wanted to do, doesn't mean I should try to make myself happy over making everyone else happy. It was a confusing month for me, and one that upset me greatly. I was forced to enrol into university, into a course I had absolutely no interest in, despite proving multiple times education isn't something I can succeed at any more. Everyone was so proud of me for putting myself forty grand in debt while I was spiralling into an endless hate fest with myself due to not wanting to be in this position, but not wanting to disappoint the family.

My conclusion was to change course. So I did. Then I hated that even more. So I dropped out of university.

I was resented for making this decision. The only person who seemed happy I made this decision was my sister, and that was because she was glad I was not going to have a larger debt to try and pay off once I eventually get a job. I went back to job searching, applying for almost twenty jobs in one month, but didn't hear a single thing back. This is always disheartening for me, as I've only ever sat in five interviews during my years of unemployment, and not a single one of them even called me to say I didn't have the job. Four of those interviews were found by the apprenticeship company I enrolled with, while the fifth one was me getting to know the manager then handing in my resume to him weeks after I'd started talking to him.

So I spent all of 2013 living off $227.13 a fortnight from Centrelink. While I did get $1000 text book grants twice during the year, my inevitable ability to spend money kicked in and, after buying the books, spent the money. Mostly on vet bills, as my dogs seemed to like to get sick during the year. The Wii U was me wanting to own the console, seeing it on special, then simply buying it because I had the money. Pretty much how my bank account is always empty. I try to justify this with "If my bank account is ever hacked, that hacker will be the most disappointed hacker in all of hacker land.". It's a poor justification. It's not even something that should be justified, but I try to make myself feel better about it.

While all this was going on, I started noticing I was becoming more and more detached from the little social life I had. Due to me being convinced I am the most annoying person on the planet, I don't like starting conversations with people, to the point of not even commenting on something due to thinking my comment may not even be worth that person's time because it will be so annoying. So I started to believe people were starting to dislike me. Again. I had an episode like this in 2011 where I believed there were less people than the fingers on my hand that actually still liked me. This time, it was more serious. I spent years trying to build friendships with people, but now I believed I had done something wrong and now no one liked me. While I couldn't find a reason other than I'm too negative on Facebook (which I there and then decided to change), I had still managed to convince myself I was disliked by everyone. No one spoke to me. No one invited me out. If I went out somewhere with someone, I felt more like a third wheel than them actually wanting me there, even if I were the one who organised the outing. I've felt like this a lot during my life, mainly from my social life consisting of people saying to me "I didn't invite you because I thought you'd say no", that I'm invited out of inconvenience of knowing the meeting is happening or I'm convenient to invite because I can bring something no one else has. If I'm not high on energy, talking to me can seem like the most awkward experience you'll ever encounter. It's probably still awkward when I'm running my mouth off from adrenaline kicking in, but I personally feel that's the best time to talk to me without anything becoming awkward.

The only thing I could eventually think of that would make a lot of people dislike me was when I lost my temper over not getting photos back from a shoot done in the middle of May. I still get angry about this, as I still never got a single photo back, but it wasn't right of me to go off the way I did, in public, on Facebook. I have since removed the status, but I still did it. Since then, I noticed people backed off from me. My presence has almost completely disappeared. I feel I have become a mark on the wall people know is there but their eyes choose to ignore its existence. I did try to counteract this by talking to old friends again, people I was once very close with, and that seemed to work a little. I still had lots of people come up to me and talk to me at conventions, but the negativity that resided in my mind was telling me this was because I was around people they actually wanted to talk to. This negativity has been eating at me for months and months, to the point where I no longer feel like I should be allowed to have friends.

Why did I believe all this?

No one has told me otherwise.

I was becoming one big puddle of nothing, and quickly. I had convinced myself I was worthless. Nothing I did was right, anything I could do I'd fail at. 2013 sucked. To top it off, my licence expired then I broke into one big depressive sobfest on Christmas Eve. I was not enjoying this at all.

Now I've managed to convince myself 2014 will be the year of big changes. Everything will be different. Once the clock struck midnight, the start of the new year, I instantly realised the only thing that had changed was the calendar on my phone. While I am convinced I will have a job long before Winter, whether or not this helps my state of mind is a completely different matter. I do have something I want to do, I just have no support behind it, so even if I get a job, I'm always asking myself questions. Will I enjoy it? Will it bore me? Will I be able to hold the job? Will I be able to perform in the job? My self doubt and self hatred always take over when I'm doing everything in my power to simply do my best. I do have the problem of once I'm alone, the negativity kicks in. I've had this problem for over ten years now. During high school, I was always asked why I spent so much time on the internet. I don't think while I'm on the internet, so there's no time for negative Megan to kick in and try to take over. Another question was how do I sleep so much. I don't think when I'm asleep. I obviously don't sleep as much now as I did back then (twelve hours on weekends and eight on school nights) and my inability to sleep well really doesn't help how much less I sleep now, but still. If I'm cleaning the house, I just get angry at everything. I believe a lot of people do. If I'm just sitting down, not doing anything, not listening to anything, just sitting there, I start to think negatively. I'm under the belief I'm slowly developing anxiety, as a lot of these thoughts are accompanied with all the signs of an anxiety attack, but I don't like causing trouble, so much of these things are never mentioned to the family.

BUT ON TO POSITIVE THINGS.

While wasting time on Facebook, trying to be positive, I noticed a lot of people who were only posting angry things. Sometimes, they'd even come into my happy statuses and try to make it look like I'm the bad guy for being happy about something. So I deleted them. Every single one of them. I don't have time for people to be affecting my psyche like that. I'm trying to fix the problem and here are all these people adding to it. I do believe complaining about someone deleting you from Facebook is seriously not worth the time, so I simply did it without thinking of the consequences. This last week, without these people in my feed, has made my life a whole lot happier. While my new year's resolution was to stop crying every fortnight and at least make it once every two months, I already broke this twice in one night, I am a lot happier. I definitely do feel 2014 will be a better year for me than 2013.

This is kind of a warning, too. If I find someone is being too negative, they're out. No questions asked. Most of this post may have been negative but fuck 2013. It sucked.

I am definitely going to try and become more social. This will be hard for me, as I lack confidence in being able to hold a conversation, but I made new friends at the end of 2013 and it made me realise I can actually do the thing people normally do when drunk while sober. I still haven't touched alcohol, which is something I am completely indifferent about. I'm not any better than those who do drink it, but my liver is certainly happier. I'm 22 this year, which is the age I swore I'd have a job by, and this new employment agency I'm with gives me so much hope for actually achieving that promise to myself. I had one appointment yesterday and they put me forward for three jobs by the end of the day. Centrelink only requires me to look for four a fortnight, which is super hard in Bathurst, but this agency makes me hopeful.

With the social life and the employment life looking good for me so far, the cosplay life is still up and running for me. I've started five cosplays for this year already and our first con isn't even until June. Of course, Mega Man is the one I should be working on, and I'm still super excited to cosplay Mega Man, a lot of other things need to be fixed in my life first. My licence, for example, that I have to go and renew this week. Although I keep the few hours I initially did in the first five years I had a licence, I still have to wait a year to get onto my Ps. This annoys everyone around me but rules are rules.

My relationship with Nathan is still wonderful, and I feel like I could go up to people and say "Fuck you" for ever doubting we could make it into our third year together. I'm fully aware of the whispers questioning why we're still together. We're not perfect. We fight. A fair bit, really. But we still love each other as much as the day we started dating. I do drag us down a lot, but this is something I am literally doing everything I can to fix. Nathan makes me super happy and I hope I return this happiness, or at least will once I'm on my feet. I almost destroyed us this year but our want to be with each other made me atone for everything I did, and I will make Nathan the most damn proudest partner of anyone out there this year and that's a promise I will not break.

I said earlier there is something I want to do, and I've gotten advice over it, it may be something I try to do as a hobby in the near future, to see if it becomes anything. I'm not willing to state what it is just yet, as I'm afraid the same negative attitude will come from the public as it did from the few people I thought would actually be really supportive of me about it, so you're all gonna have to wait on a little bit longer before anything happens regarding this. Sorry!!

As for my dogs, they're pretty healthy now. I think. I hope. 2012 was the most costly regarding them but last year certainly did cost a bit. Both dogs got sick twice and all four of those visits were not cheap (of course, one of the visits we were consulted by a money hungry vet who did everything we didn't need done just to get more money out of us) but hopefully this year the only visit is for the annual needles. Mum's dog is old, 14 this year, but she's still pretty healthy, while my two run rampant every day until they climb onto me and fall asleep.

My family is in for a bit of pain this year, but I will do all I can to make sure I'm not causing any of it.

2014 will be a better year for me and everyone around me.

I may not be able to make sure everyone I know is happy, but I can at least try.

2014.

Come at me.